For me, it started in college. At some point I realized that my daily schedule was jam-packed if not overflowing. College is a wonderful time, but it's the first time I remember seriously running around like a chicken with my head cut off. (My memories of high school, in contrast, are dim but less hectic; for one, I spent a lot of time writing stories on the computer in the basement.) And I certainly wasn't the only one. Everyone I knew was also running around like a chicken with their head cut off too. But here's the really disturbing part: I also realized that we LIKED it that way. In fact, if life slowed down to anything less than break-neck speed, we immediately began to feel the horrible, sinking guilt of, what was it? ... Unproductiveness?
I don't know who to blame exactly. I think it's an American cultural value, and the precise source of a cultural value is very hard to pinpoint. It's not that anyone explicitly taught me "You have to get a million things done every day or you're worthless." It's not that I feel pressure from anyone in particular or the fear of disappointing anyone - anyone, that is, other than myself. I don't even compare my own productivity to others' (at least not that I'm aware of). So I don't know who came up with this rule or who is enforcing it, but let me tell you, I bear the burden of it every single day.
Let me give you an example. I had an absolutely great day a few weeks ago. First, I got up at an insanely early hour (note: I am NOT a morning person), went to an all-day class, came home and took the kids to a friend's birthday party, came home and mowed the lawn, got the kids a bath and tucked into bed, and then did some work on the computer after that. At the end of the day even I was surprised at how much I had gotten done that day, and it felt SO GOOD. There is little that can put me in a better mood than that feeling of "Wow, I got a lot done today!"
It's just that the standards for achieving that feeling are so high. I often feel as thought it is not time that I lack but discipline, that I should be getting more done, that I could be getting more done, if I could just keep myself on track all day long. But what I don't know and can't tell, because I'm so blinded by the cloud of my own cultural biases, is whether my discipline is the real problem, or my standards.
There was a time in my life when I got a break from those standards; I lived in Africa for seven years. Africans, as you probably know, live life at a different pace. I don't think anyone could objectively call Africans lazy - though some do, and some are, but if we want to eliminate all ambiguity, let's limit the discussion to African women. African women do not have a lazy bone in their bodies. (My most cherished compliment from my husband is when he tells me that I have worked like an African woman.) African women work hard all day long, but even without the convenience of washing machines, microwaves, or pre-made jars of spaghetti sauce, they still seem to have plenty of time for relaxing and socializing (though, granted, even in their relaxing and socializing, they may still be "working," i.e. braiding someone's hair). There is nothing frenetic about an African woman.
Some Americans may find this pace of life intolerable. For me it was a blessing. I could go through the day, get done what got done, and just enjoy living. It wasn't that I didn't work; I did a lot of work. But the bar for what constituted "enough work" was relaxed and reinforced by the whole society around me. If anything, I got made fun of for working too hard, and it wasn't really meant as a compliment.
The Africans are not the only ones in on the secret. Take the Europeans, for example. What do they get? A 35-hour work week and 5 weeks of vacation per year for starters? Now maybe you're reading this through the lenses of your own cultural biases and feeling the twinge that I feel even just writing it, the twinge of the Yeah-But, as in "Yeah, it would be nice to relax a little but I would feel too guilty - gotta get back to work!" Or worse yet (let's be honest) the "Yeah, that must be nice for them, but our work ethic is what makes us the greatest country on earth."
The greatest country on earth. Yeah, OK, whatever. But are we happy this way? Maybe you are; I leave open the possibility that it's just me and I'm just crazy. But you know, I belong to a small group full of moms just like me, and what do I hear from them every single week? "I'm so busy / I'm so stressed out / I just can't keep up with it all / I'm losing my mind." Funny I never heard that from the African women. I heard many other woes ("So-and-so is sick / So-and-so died...") but never "I'm losing my mind." Maybe, just maybe, there is really something to say for simplicity.
I would love to go there, but I don't really know how. I don't know where this oppressive mindset comes from or how it rules over me; it feels like it's self-inflicted. There is enough freedom in American society that if I wanted to live at a slower pace, I probably could. But I can't seem to let myself. I keep striving (mostly in vain) after the elusive "Wow, I got a lot done today!"
I don't know who to blame exactly. I think it's an American cultural value, and the precise source of a cultural value is very hard to pinpoint. It's not that anyone explicitly taught me "You have to get a million things done every day or you're worthless." It's not that I feel pressure from anyone in particular or the fear of disappointing anyone - anyone, that is, other than myself. I don't even compare my own productivity to others' (at least not that I'm aware of). So I don't know who came up with this rule or who is enforcing it, but let me tell you, I bear the burden of it every single day.
Let me give you an example. I had an absolutely great day a few weeks ago. First, I got up at an insanely early hour (note: I am NOT a morning person), went to an all-day class, came home and took the kids to a friend's birthday party, came home and mowed the lawn, got the kids a bath and tucked into bed, and then did some work on the computer after that. At the end of the day even I was surprised at how much I had gotten done that day, and it felt SO GOOD. There is little that can put me in a better mood than that feeling of "Wow, I got a lot done today!"
It's just that the standards for achieving that feeling are so high. I often feel as thought it is not time that I lack but discipline, that I should be getting more done, that I could be getting more done, if I could just keep myself on track all day long. But what I don't know and can't tell, because I'm so blinded by the cloud of my own cultural biases, is whether my discipline is the real problem, or my standards.
There was a time in my life when I got a break from those standards; I lived in Africa for seven years. Africans, as you probably know, live life at a different pace. I don't think anyone could objectively call Africans lazy - though some do, and some are, but if we want to eliminate all ambiguity, let's limit the discussion to African women. African women do not have a lazy bone in their bodies. (My most cherished compliment from my husband is when he tells me that I have worked like an African woman.) African women work hard all day long, but even without the convenience of washing machines, microwaves, or pre-made jars of spaghetti sauce, they still seem to have plenty of time for relaxing and socializing (though, granted, even in their relaxing and socializing, they may still be "working," i.e. braiding someone's hair). There is nothing frenetic about an African woman.
Some Americans may find this pace of life intolerable. For me it was a blessing. I could go through the day, get done what got done, and just enjoy living. It wasn't that I didn't work; I did a lot of work. But the bar for what constituted "enough work" was relaxed and reinforced by the whole society around me. If anything, I got made fun of for working too hard, and it wasn't really meant as a compliment.
The Africans are not the only ones in on the secret. Take the Europeans, for example. What do they get? A 35-hour work week and 5 weeks of vacation per year for starters? Now maybe you're reading this through the lenses of your own cultural biases and feeling the twinge that I feel even just writing it, the twinge of the Yeah-But, as in "Yeah, it would be nice to relax a little but I would feel too guilty - gotta get back to work!" Or worse yet (let's be honest) the "Yeah, that must be nice for them, but our work ethic is what makes us the greatest country on earth."
The greatest country on earth. Yeah, OK, whatever. But are we happy this way? Maybe you are; I leave open the possibility that it's just me and I'm just crazy. But you know, I belong to a small group full of moms just like me, and what do I hear from them every single week? "I'm so busy / I'm so stressed out / I just can't keep up with it all / I'm losing my mind." Funny I never heard that from the African women. I heard many other woes ("So-and-so is sick / So-and-so died...") but never "I'm losing my mind." Maybe, just maybe, there is really something to say for simplicity.
I would love to go there, but I don't really know how. I don't know where this oppressive mindset comes from or how it rules over me; it feels like it's self-inflicted. There is enough freedom in American society that if I wanted to live at a slower pace, I probably could. But I can't seem to let myself. I keep striving (mostly in vain) after the elusive "Wow, I got a lot done today!"
I would love to read your comments.
I think when I became a teacher I realized that most Americans are not internally-driven toward excellence. I don't know that we can call it a universal "American" value. But it does seem that Americans always have to be doing something. I hate waiting without a book to read...it feels like such wasted time. Ultimately what we've lost is the discipline of silence and Sabbath. Sabbath is so inefficient--no work, no shopping. And in silence, I might actually have to talk (and listen) to God. These are odd sort of disciplines--disciplines to do less, not more. Can we train our children to live differently? I wonder.
ReplyDeleteI think I crave that kind of simplicity.
ReplyDeleteThat's one of the reasons I prefer living in the DR to the US.
ReplyDeleteFor one year in high school I would get up before school and practice. I would plan almost every minute of the day with no real down time. I felt really "productive," but at some point I couldn't keep up that schedule. In college I got so burned out, I had to completely take a break from playing violin. (That's when I worked at Subway in Berlin.) So I had to find a balance between the high of being really productive and the fulfillment of relaxation. One thing that I had to change was that feeling that I have to "deserve" down-time. Before, I could never relax until after a concert. Now that I have kids I have a good excuse to not be super productive.
ReplyDelete